Bring Back the Spark and Keep Your
Relationship Alive
By Mona Barbera, Ph.D.
You may have a good relationship – but miss
the spark that was once there. Maybe job,
kids, or financial stress has come between
you, or you’ve settled into a routine. No
matter what the reason is - you can do a lot
to get the spark back!
First of all, resolve to look ONLY at your
part of it. Try an experiment, and own 100%
of the problem. 50-50 doesn’t work very well
– someone has to take the lead. Why not you?
Of course that doesn’t mean that you are the
only person involved in the problem. It
doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t need
to change too.
What it does mean is that the only one you
have control over is you! So start right now
to do what you can do to bring back the
spark. Then sit back and see how your
partner responds. You may get a very nice
surprise!
1. Built-up resentment causes distance in
couple relationships.
Do you have old resentments piled up inside?
Are you resentful of things that happened in
the past or still keep happening?
Do you think your mate is to blame for what
happened? Are you convinced that your mate
is at fault? Have you decided that you need
to be more distant and disconnected to
protect yourself?
If you answered yes to any of the above,
respect your feelings. Don’t try to fight
them. Just listen in, like you were
listening to someone who needed an
understanding friend. Be that friend to
yourself.
Next, be brave and see if some of your
criticism and blame could be related to your
own past. Does your partner’s behavior
remind you of how other people have failed
you? Was the wound already there before your
partner got involved? If so, separate them
out. Acknowledge how you were hurt the same
way by people in the past, and then leave it
in the past.
Now do something about the present. Be
honest with your partner about your
resentments – with no blame or shame. Share
your feelings without being convinced it’s
his or her fault. Instead, leave some
curiosity – maybe you will find out
something new!
You may have the best conversation you ever
had.
2. Avoiding difficult conversations out
of fear causes distance in couple
relationships.
Listen to your fears. If you brought up
important issues, are you afraid your mate
would get angry? Depressed? Leave you?
Listen to your fears with kindness and love.
They are there for a reason. Again, be a
friend to yourself. See if you can make
connections about how your fears about your
mate have to do with your own life. What if
he or she does get angry? Why is that scary
for you? Does it remind you of the past?
Again, see if you can put the past in the
past. If you once were afraid of someone’s
anger, maybe that was at a time when you
were smaller and more vulnerable. As an
adult you don’t have to be as afraid of
verbal anger!
Can you stay calm and connected if your
partner gets angry or depressed? That’s all
you have to do. You don’t have to fix your
partner, you don’t have to solve the
problem. Just maintain your own calm, and
stay connected from the heart.
If you can do that, you won’t have to be
afraid of what your partner does when you
bring up difficult issues. You’ll feel free
and honest, and you’ll be able to stay calm
and connected even if he or she does get
upset at first.
3. What if the spark was never there to
begin with?
You may be able to find it for the first
time.
Be honest with yourself – did you choose
your mate because he or she was safe?
Because you thought you’d get security? Ask
yourself these questions:
1. Was safety and security so important to
me that I chose my partner solely for these
reasons? Why is safety so important to me?
Can I let go of extreme needs for security
and let more risk and excitement into my
relationship?
2. Do I do things to keep the relationship
on a friendship/safety basis? Can I stop
doing those things and take some more
chances? Maybe sometime it’s good to have
less understanding/safety/emotional security
and more risk and mystery!
3. Am I unfamiliar with excitement and risk?
Have I learned from the past that it isn’t
safe to have fun?
See if you can face your own fears. Maybe
there is some experiment you can make to see
if you can do something different. You may
be surprised at how your mate responds. He
or she may be more exciting than you
thought!
There are 11 exercises in Bring Yourself to
Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection
into Intimacy that can help you with these
steps.
Mona Barbera, Ph.D. offers couples
workshops and couples intensives in Costa
Rica. For more info: http://www.monabarbera.com
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